WEBVTT

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Even If It Kills Me is presented by Manhead Merch.

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This podcast is about Wanderlust.

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 No,

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 wait,

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 that's not quite right.

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 This podcast is about a band.

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 My friend's band,

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 actually.

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 And throughout this podcast,

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 you're not going to hear what they sound like.

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 And you're not even going to know what their name is,

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 because that's not what this is about.

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 This is a story about a group of guys who attempted to grab the universe by the horns.

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 and ride it like a mechanical bull off into the sunset.

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 Oh,

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 and this is also for anyone who has ever dreamed of being a rock star.

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 Even if it was for only that one brief moment of time you were at that one party with that one person who said to you,

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 Hey,

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 let's get out of here.

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 Just go to California.

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 This is for all of those people who have that wanderlust deep in their souls.

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 We were just kids.

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 20th century kids.

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 Kids that grew up without the internet.

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 Without turn-by-turn voice-activated satellite-provided directions.

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 Without a country covered end-to-end in cell phone towers blanketing damn near every corner of the land with high-speed wireless internet access.

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 We were the last of our kind,

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 and we didn't even know it.

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 We were part of a micro-generation that was smushed right in between rotary phones and smartphones.

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 Our city was interesting.

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 We always felt this pocket to it,

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 this kind of small quiet magic that not a lot of people knew about.

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 John,

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 Mac,

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 Pete,

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 and I all went to the same middle and high school together.

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 Mac and Pete were a grade ahead of John and I.

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 And Ryan,

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 who lived across the street from Pete,

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 also happened to live in a different school district.

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 their road was the dividing line.

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 Now,

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 as for John and I,

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 we had a rather awkward journey through high school.

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 You know,

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 that's probably the easiest thing to say,

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 but I can't figure out how else to say it.

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 We were those guys,

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 those tall,

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 gangly,

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 bumping into every doorway we walked through guys.

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 Somehow,

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 among all that awkward chaos of high school,

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 we found music.

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 I took music so seriously I broke stereos with it.

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 I thought music was the end all be all slam dunk get fucked don't stop this don't change this.

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 If you're not getting this,

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 then you can get to fucking right off to this.

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 music was serious to me.

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 And my friends who also got that,

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 John,

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 Ryan,

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 Mac,

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 and Pete,

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 formed the band that is the foundation for this story.

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The four of us,

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 we were friends,

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 we are about the same age,

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 we pretty much grew up together in the same area between two different schools,

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 but we all had this chemistry that just worked and we made really fucking cool songs,

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 or at least I think we did.

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From the very beginning,

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 Ryan was all in.

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We all somehow had this thing where we just could play together.

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 Like,

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 it just worked.

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 I miss it every single day.

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 I don't play it,

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 like,

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 probably right now and always,

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 but I think about it a lot.

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Since it was the turn of the millennium and not even the dot-com bubble had burst,

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 We all went to college or attempted to at least.

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I think I was in like my third year of just floating through that place,

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 not doing anything,

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 basically.

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 Very irresponsible time for me involving schooling.

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 There is me and a handful of people we would roll in to the parking lot five to ten minutes late.

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 I'll see each other,

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 yell out our windows at each other,

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 hey,

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 where are we going?

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 And we'd end up on somebody's couch watching,

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 you know,

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 The Price is Right or something.

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 Way,

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 way too often that happens.

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Ryan's attempt at college lasted the longest,

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 followed by Pete and Mac.

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 John lasted a year and I was out of there in four months.

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 Of course,

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 dropping out didn't just mean more car parks and Price is Right.

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 It was time to take this banned shit seriously.

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 And how else but to go west,

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 young man,

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 go west.

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 To the City of Angels.

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 We just had to tell our parents.

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 It did not go well.

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 Here's B.

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They thought I was completely out of my mind and did not want me to go.

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 We called them and told them after it was done that we had put our leave of absence thing in because we weren't coming back the next fall.

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 That's what it boiled down to.

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 We had decided that that's what we were doing.

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Everyone's plans changed that September.

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 I mean,

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 everyone's.

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I don't remember getting too much resistance until 9-11 happened.

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 Then all the parents were kind of,

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 you know,

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 hey,

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 you know,

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 they just did something really bad.

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 Maybe don't go.

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That was sort of like the.

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 Well,

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 guess what?

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 there's no way in hell you guys are moving to Italy now.

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Mac's parents were also pissed.

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It was basically like,

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 you guys need to get back in school right now.

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 You're going to get drafted.

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September happened.

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 I got cold feet.

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 I didn't go right near the tail end of the planning.

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 I was not prepared to do that kind of a move.

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 So I just,

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 I bowed out.

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 I was like,

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 I can't do this.

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 It was like one of the hardest decisions I ever made.

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 made.

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 It's like,

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 okay,

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 I really want this,

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 but I don't think I can,

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 I don't think I can handle it mentally.

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 And like,

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 you know,

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 it's,

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 it was kind of a recurring theme.

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Pete was shook.

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 The idea of going to Los Angeles after what had happened.

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 I mean,

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 it just seemed like the wrong time.

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I remember the night that Pete told me actually,

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 and I could just tell,

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 you know,

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 that,

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 you know,

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 he was kind of nervous,

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 kind of anxious.

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 And

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 I asked him,

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 I'm like,

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 you're probably not coming with us when we go,

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 are you?

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 And he said,

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 no.

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At this point,

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 the tension was building.

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It might've been silly of me,

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 but

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 I never thought that Pete would ever be completely permanently out of the band.

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What we had set up was basically the first of many series of brutal interactions that would happen throughout the band where we made Pete record all of his drums.

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all right,

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 we have these songs,

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 and obviously we know what they sound like,

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 but what,

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 are we just going to hum and click and try to tell somebody what to do?

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 No.

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You know,

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 anything that hadn't been recorded,

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 we'd have something that we could go out there and give to somebody so they could learn how to be our new drummer,

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which was crazy.

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So during one of these sessions,

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 I'm starting to get overwhelmed by this whole thing now,

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 and I bring it up.

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 that I'm thinking about not going.

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 Guys,

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 I've been thinking about this too,

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 and I really think we gotta pull back here and reassess this.

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 And Ryan goes nuts.

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Now here's the thing about Ryan.

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 This is a dude who never went nuts.

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 What the fuck,

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 man?

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I just quit my job!

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 You know,

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 like,

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 one of those deals.

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He basically quit his profession at that time.

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 So he went crazy.

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I had told my boss that I had given him however many two weeks or whatever,

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but

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I'm sure I probably could have gone back and like,

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 hey,

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 I need to keep working because we're not going to go.

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Ryan goes so nuts that it made me feel so horrible and made me feel like.

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 You know,

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 just pathetic,

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 basically,

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 that I wasn't willing to do this thing we'd been planning for forever at any one.

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Meanwhile,

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 Pete's still in the room attempting to record his own drum parts.

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Pete's there.

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 So this whole conversation is like,

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 are you going to be like fucking Pete?

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 Or are you going to be like us?

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 And it was this whole thing where it was just like,

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 all right,

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 I got to go.

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 I got to go.

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And then Mac ended up deciding to go and best time of our lives.

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So it was settled.

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 They were moving to LA,

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 warts and all,

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 and without Pete.

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That road trip from the moving out there,

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 holy shit,

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 it was like life changing.

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 That was crazy and I didn't expect it.

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This is John talking about that first drive out west.

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I was driving this shitty van that my dad gave me,

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 encased in shit and music gear,

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 and the other guys were driving out in like a car.

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 And so I drove by myself across the country and we talked to each other on walkie talkies and I just blasted fucking music and I overheated like 400 times.

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 But we saw everything for the first time.

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 I moved to the intention of doing band stuff.

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 So I was like elated.

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Ryan was mildly obsessed with California.

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It was magical.

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 As cheesy as that sounds.

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 It just was amazing.

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 Here we are.

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 We're in California.

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 Fucking California.

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The band spent the next two months attempting to find a drummer to replace Pete.

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 But...

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came up empty over and over and over specifically because pete is so good it was like a terrible bar set for us while we were already handicapped moving to a place where we didn't really know anyone right and that was like pre-internet

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 so you had to go to like the music connection which was like a magazine out here

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 we're nobody.

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 We're a bunch of kids who moved out here with aspirations.

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 Why would a good drummer want to come play with it?

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 You know what I mean?

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 Like we would have to have these incredible songs.

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You know,

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 we never had drummers that worked and it really,

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 really changed the band.

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 I mean,

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 like the sound of the band was,

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 was hurried and more punkish and

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 I wasn't the right sound ever really.

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And then I threw up my hands and I was like,

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 fuck this.

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John has an.

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 issue with always internalizing things until they get to a point where he can't handle them and he snaps.

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 But for very rudimentary things that shouldn't be a problem.

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After spending all night drinking alone and mulling over the future of the band and without telling Mac or Ryan,

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 John took it upon himself to call Pete.

271
00:10:55.947 --> 00:10:58.281
 while Pete was at home eating breakfast.

272
00:10:58.601 --> 00:11:01.756
So I was eating breakfast at like around 7 o'clock,

273
00:11:02.158 --> 00:11:02.801
 and the phone rang.

274
00:11:03.427 --> 00:11:04.060
 So I got up.

275
00:11:04.503 --> 00:11:05.101
 I just picked it up.

276
00:11:05.161 --> 00:11:05.328
 I said,

277
00:11:05.349 --> 00:11:05.579
 hello.

278
00:11:06.063 --> 00:11:07.577
 The voice on the other end of the line goes,

279
00:11:07.859 --> 00:11:08.041
 Mr.

280
00:11:09.245 --> 00:11:09.747
 and I said,

281
00:11:10.409 --> 00:11:10.830
 hold on,

282
00:11:11.372 --> 00:11:11.753
 I'll get him,

283
00:11:12.416 --> 00:11:13.921
 thinking they were looking for my dad.

284
00:11:14.301 --> 00:11:14.728
 And then he goes,

285
00:11:14.891 --> 00:11:15.013
 no,

286
00:11:15.237 --> 00:11:15.461
 Pete.

287
00:11:15.762 --> 00:11:16.131
 I'm like,

288
00:11:16.356 --> 00:11:16.560
 what?

289
00:11:16.902 --> 00:11:17.510
 I think I was like,

290
00:11:17.550 --> 00:11:18.421
 what time is it there?

291
00:11:18.521 --> 00:11:20.510
 Because if it was 6.30 in the morning here,

292
00:11:20.832 --> 00:11:22.861
 it was like 3.30 in the morning in LA.

293
00:11:23.182 --> 00:11:24.972
 I think he just basically was like,

294
00:11:25.012 --> 00:11:25.817
 hey,

295
00:11:26.018 --> 00:11:26.541
 what are you doing?

296
00:11:26.622 --> 00:11:27.087
 And I said,

297
00:11:27.350 --> 00:11:28.261
 I'm eating breakfast.

298
00:11:28.401 --> 00:11:29.341
 I'm getting ready to go to work.

299
00:11:29.401 --> 00:11:29.705
 And he's like,

300
00:11:29.685 --> 00:11:29.806
 no,

301
00:11:30.394 --> 00:11:30.941
 what are you doing?

302
00:11:31.961 --> 00:11:32.425
 and I said,

303
00:11:32.687 --> 00:11:33.372
 I don't know.

304
00:11:33.833 --> 00:11:36.553
Fuck all the weird feelings about this before.

305
00:11:36.834 --> 00:11:37.933
 You need to move out here.

306
00:11:38.133 --> 00:11:40.992
 We need you to come and play drums with us,

307
00:11:41.253 --> 00:11:43.253
 because it's just not working without you.

308
00:11:43.555 --> 00:11:44.038
And I said,

309
00:11:44.460 --> 00:11:44.742
 okay,

310
00:11:44.842 --> 00:11:45.044
 well,

311
00:11:45.446 --> 00:11:45.688
 you know,

312
00:11:45.748 --> 00:11:46.573
 let me think about it.

313
00:11:46.934 --> 00:11:47.156
I mean,

314
00:11:47.156 --> 00:11:49.758
 you could have come to any one of us at any point in time and been like,

315
00:11:49.778 --> 00:11:49.960
 hey,

316
00:11:50.021 --> 00:11:50.283
 guys,

317
00:11:50.304 --> 00:11:51.233
 this isn't working out,

318
00:11:51.313 --> 00:11:52.724
 and we probably all would have been like,

319
00:11:52.764 --> 00:11:53.470
 yeah,

320
00:11:53.490 --> 00:11:53.873
 I agree.

321
00:11:55.154 --> 00:11:57.433
And then I hung up the phone.

322
00:11:57.653 --> 00:11:58.183
 I decided,

323
00:11:58.204 --> 00:11:58.653
 you know what?

324
00:11:58.874 --> 00:11:59.118
 Like,

325
00:11:59.402 --> 00:12:00.133
 it's now or never.

326
00:12:01.114 --> 00:12:01.276
 Yep,

327
00:12:01.397 --> 00:12:01.741
 I'm going.

328
00:12:02.284 --> 00:12:02.626
I mean,

329
00:12:02.646 --> 00:12:03.410
 in the end,

330
00:12:04.335 --> 00:12:05.521
 was it the right move?

331
00:12:06.812 --> 00:12:07.519
 Probably.

332
00:12:08.003 --> 00:12:10.379
Ever been overwhelmed by the logistics of merch on tour?

333
00:12:10.841 --> 00:12:15.741
 I remember a chaotic night trying to keep everything organized while the crowd was surrounding the merch table.

334
00:12:16.423 --> 00:12:19.289
 As I scrambled to find the right size t-shirts for everyone,

335
00:12:19.389 --> 00:12:24.380
 I realized we were completely sold out of all of our most popular shirts.

336
00:12:24.982 --> 00:12:25.163
 Okay,

337
00:12:25.263 --> 00:12:28.054
 now imagine you're managing merch for an arena show.

338
00:12:28.155 --> 00:12:29.239
 How do you make that leap?

339
00:12:29.761 --> 00:12:33.721
 Manhead merch is the powerhouse behind some of the biggest names in the industry.

340
00:12:34.128 --> 00:12:36.593
 They offer a full suite of services,

341
00:12:36.934 --> 00:12:37.295
 pouring,

342
00:12:37.536 --> 00:12:38.197
 e-commerce,

343
00:12:38.197 --> 00:12:38.678
 retail,

344
00:12:39.019 --> 00:12:39.600
 licensing,

345
00:12:40.062 --> 00:12:41.525
 tailored for top tier tailoring.

346
00:12:42.357 --> 00:12:46.511
 They take care of everything from design and manufacturing to seamless order fulfillment,

347
00:12:47.013 --> 00:12:50.509
 ensuring your merch game is as polished as your performance.

348
00:12:51.433 --> 00:12:54.230
 Manhead Merch transforms chaos into streamlined success.

349
00:12:54.713 --> 00:12:57.690
 They manage every aspect of merchandising so you don't have to.

350
00:12:58.253 --> 00:12:59.941
 If I would have had Manhead Merch back then,

351
00:13:00.303 --> 00:13:03.327
 they would have handled the logistics and I could have handled that crowd.

352
00:13:03.793 --> 00:13:05.551
 Ready to take your band's merch to the next level?

353
00:13:05.834 --> 00:13:07.092
 Visit manheadmerch.com.

354
00:13:09.496 --> 00:13:10.402
 Once Pete got to LA,

355
00:13:11.046 --> 00:13:12.073
 the momentum took off.

356
00:13:13.174 --> 00:13:14.933
 Things just started to roll.

357
00:13:16.375 --> 00:13:17.220
 They were on a path,

358
00:13:17.240 --> 00:13:17.984
 and at that point,

359
00:13:18.688 --> 00:13:19.573
 nothing was stopping them.

360
00:13:20.713 --> 00:13:24.092
 John managed to score an internship at a record label that...

361
00:13:24.900 --> 00:13:28.177
 just so happened to be one of our favorite labels,

362
00:13:28.758 --> 00:13:31.357
 home to many a band that we all enjoyed.

363
00:13:32.459 --> 00:13:36.197
One day I was in what would have been like a crawlspace attic area,

364
00:13:37.040 --> 00:13:40.517
 and I saw all of this merch and all of these weird,

365
00:13:40.817 --> 00:13:42.106
 like,

366
00:13:42.106 --> 00:13:43.677
 like one of a kind items,

367
00:13:43.817 --> 00:13:46.617
 whether they're like glossies or like things from videos and shit.

368
00:13:46.777 --> 00:13:49.133
 And everything was addressed to a guy named Richie.

369
00:13:50.179 --> 00:13:50.682
 And I was like,

370
00:13:50.763 --> 00:13:51.085
 okay,

371
00:13:51.125 --> 00:13:52.595
 this must be the dude,

372
00:13:52.756 --> 00:13:52.937
 right?

373
00:13:52.998 --> 00:13:53.669
 For some reason,

374
00:13:53.730 --> 00:13:54.137
 I was like.

375
00:13:55.392 --> 00:13:56.033
 such a,

376
00:13:57.295 --> 00:13:57.636
 I guess,

377
00:13:57.756 --> 00:14:05.293
 born salesperson or con man that I knew to hunt down the person who was in control of this thing that I loved.

378
00:14:05.855 --> 00:14:06.738
 So I was like,

379
00:14:06.759 --> 00:14:07.020
 okay,

380
00:14:07.200 --> 00:14:09.187
 that's the guy I need to figure out here.

381
00:14:09.388 --> 00:14:12.959
 So my first order of business was finding this rich,

382
00:14:14.282 --> 00:14:16.509
 infiltrating and becoming a part of his life,

383
00:14:17.113 --> 00:14:18.908
 which sounds psychopathic to say.

384
00:14:20.144 --> 00:14:20.626
 out loud.

385
00:14:21.669 --> 00:14:23.354
 But that was kind of the way I was thinking.

386
00:14:23.715 --> 00:14:26.224
 And he very much kind of invited me into the fold.

387
00:14:26.344 --> 00:14:29.575
 And I very quickly felt like I was a part of the family.

388
00:14:30.117 --> 00:14:32.045
 I fit in there and they offered me a job.

389
00:14:32.045 --> 00:14:32.829
 And it was kind of like,

390
00:14:32.889 --> 00:14:34.316
 we'll figure out the position is.

391
00:14:34.758 --> 00:14:38.353
 And it was this amorphous thing that was total bullshit.

392
00:14:38.353 --> 00:14:40.080
 And they just wanted to have me there and,

393
00:14:40.220 --> 00:14:40.421
 you know,

394
00:14:40.523 --> 00:14:41.420
 working on the stuff with them.

395
00:14:42.939 --> 00:14:53.737
John didn't want to admit that landing an internship at the indie record label of everyone's dreams could very much so influence and speed up the process of getting signed.

396
00:14:53.838 --> 00:14:56.713
I was friends with the guy who was in charge of the warehouse.

397
00:14:56.753 --> 00:14:57.397
 His name was Bobby.

398
00:14:58.828 --> 00:15:04.655
 there was some sort of marketing meeting we had or a label meeting where someone mentioned that like,

399
00:15:04.655 --> 00:15:06.102
 we got to find some like new shit.

400
00:15:07.048 --> 00:15:16.666
 I pulled some fucking Inception shit and put the idea in Bobby's head to somehow get our songs to

401
00:15:17.227 --> 00:15:18.370
 Rich. For me,

402
00:15:18.511 --> 00:15:19.995
 it was a random swing.

403
00:15:20.176 --> 00:15:20.777
 I wasn't like,

404
00:15:21.640 --> 00:15:22.502
 this is a dunk.

405
00:15:22.583 --> 00:15:23.064
 I was like,

406
00:15:23.385 --> 00:15:23.726
 you know what,

407
00:15:23.786 --> 00:15:27.942
 if I was ever to play my music for this man that I respected so much,

408
00:15:27.982 --> 00:15:29.588
 I would rather it wasn't coming from me.

409
00:15:30.331 --> 00:15:31.334
But despite all that,

410
00:15:31.415 --> 00:15:35.466
 and even though John totally didn't want to get signed records.

411
00:15:37.056 --> 00:15:37.542
 it happened.

412
00:15:38.667 --> 00:15:39.922
I never felt bad about,

413
00:15:40.104 --> 00:15:41.242
 about inceptioning Bobby.

414
00:15:42.105 --> 00:15:44.241
 I only felt like I didn't earn it.

415
00:15:44.447 --> 00:15:44.656
 Uh,

416
00:15:44.884 --> 00:15:45.961
 once I finally got it,

417
00:15:46.283 --> 00:15:46.761
we did it.

418
00:15:47.045 --> 00:15:47.520
 We're rich.

419
00:15:48.164 --> 00:15:48.801
 We're going to be the,

420
00:15:48.882 --> 00:15:50.282
 we're going to be the biggest band in the world.

421
00:15:50.402 --> 00:15:50.801
 That was it.

422
00:15:50.867 --> 00:15:51.002
 Right.

423
00:15:51.022 --> 00:15:51.182
 I mean,

424
00:15:51.182 --> 00:15:52.821
 we basically did put in our,

425
00:15:53.068 --> 00:15:53.342
 you know,

426
00:15:53.742 --> 00:15:55.641
 two weeks notice at that point because we knew,

427
00:15:55.763 --> 00:15:55.970
 uh,

428
00:15:56.664 --> 00:15:57.562
 we were going to move home.

429
00:15:57.965 --> 00:16:00.722
It was their plan all along to move back home at this point.

430
00:16:01.675 --> 00:16:04.334
 Paying rent in LA while on tour just didn't make any sense.

431
00:16:05.014 --> 00:16:07.346
Coming home was like,

432
00:16:07.668 --> 00:16:08.814
 we made it one step.

433
00:16:09.235 --> 00:16:12.434
 That was a point where we were starting on the next step.

434
00:16:12.694 --> 00:16:15.484
 I think a lot of people think that once you signed a record label,

435
00:16:17.171 --> 00:16:17.592
 that's it,

436
00:16:17.632 --> 00:16:18.054
 you did it.

437
00:16:18.994 --> 00:16:20.949
 like you're a famous band now.

438
00:16:21.431 --> 00:16:23.750
 And for all I knew that that was it too.

439
00:16:24.070 --> 00:16:24.519
 I thought,

440
00:16:24.580 --> 00:16:25.030
 this is it.

441
00:16:25.110 --> 00:16:25.470
 We did it.

442
00:16:25.830 --> 00:16:29.450
It was almost like a triumphant kind of a feeling.

443
00:16:30.816 --> 00:16:31.040
 I mean,

444
00:16:31.061 --> 00:16:31.570
 at that point,

445
00:16:31.610 --> 00:16:33.630
 we felt like we had somewhat conquered the beast.

446
00:16:33.850 --> 00:16:36.510
 We were just some schmucks from a small town in New York.

447
00:16:36.910 --> 00:16:39.130
 And then when we got back and we played a show,

448
00:16:39.231 --> 00:16:40.079
 it was just like,

449
00:16:40.382 --> 00:16:41.190
 holy shit.

450
00:16:41.470 --> 00:16:45.250
 Like we felt like we had made it and we hadn't done a thing.

451
00:16:46.390 --> 00:16:46.869
And that was it.

452
00:16:47.090 --> 00:16:48.210
 The guys were back from LA.

453
00:16:49.094 --> 00:16:50.926
 Mother fucking Los Angeles.

454
00:16:51.186 --> 00:16:51.407
 I mean,

455
00:16:51.589 --> 00:16:54.186
 no one from our hometown had ever formed a band,

456
00:16:54.566 --> 00:16:55.194
 moved to LA,

457
00:16:55.275 --> 00:16:56.166
 and got a record deal.

458
00:16:57.188 --> 00:16:58.806
 And these guys are part of my circle of friends,

459
00:16:59.328 --> 00:17:04.986
 and they want me to go out and tour with them to sell merch and film and pretend like I knew what the hell a tour manager did?

460
00:17:06.148 --> 00:17:06.289
 Yeah,

461
00:17:06.873 --> 00:17:08.766
 you bet your ass this was cause for celebration.

462
00:17:10.090 --> 00:17:10.946
 First order of business?

463
00:17:11.907 --> 00:17:14.266
 Throw a most triumphant welcome home concert.

464
00:17:15.076 --> 00:17:17.870
 which of course would be followed by an equally amazing house party.

465
00:17:18.811 --> 00:17:19.413
 And that party,

466
00:17:20.597 --> 00:17:21.541
 that was the kickoff,

467
00:17:21.922 --> 00:17:22.785
 the sendoff,

468
00:17:22.865 --> 00:17:24.250
 the holy shit.

469
00:17:24.350 --> 00:17:27.868
 We were about to go on tour like bands who are famous,

470
00:17:27.969 --> 00:17:28.110
 dude.

471
00:17:29.232 --> 00:17:29.495
 Okay,

472
00:17:29.515 --> 00:17:29.919
 wait a minute.

473
00:17:29.919 --> 00:17:30.202
 Hold on.

474
00:17:30.445 --> 00:17:30.687
 Hold on.

475
00:17:30.768 --> 00:17:30.970
 Hold on.

476
00:17:31.433 --> 00:17:32.100
 Let's just pause here.

477
00:17:32.181 --> 00:17:32.443
 Hold on.

478
00:17:32.565 --> 00:17:33.010
 Take a breath.

479
00:17:35.710 --> 00:17:37.482
 This is all just rambling.

480
00:17:38.503 --> 00:17:40.341
 It's a band and they did their thing.

481
00:17:40.542 --> 00:17:43.042
 They went out to that place and did it happen?

482
00:17:43.202 --> 00:17:43.323
 No,

483
00:17:43.364 --> 00:17:43.485
 no.

484
00:17:43.848 --> 00:17:44.878
 Spoiler alert.

485
00:17:45.120 --> 00:17:45.302
 Maybe.

486
00:17:46.563 --> 00:17:49.034
 It's time we focus on me,

487
00:17:49.999 --> 00:17:50.742
 your humble narrator.

488
00:17:51.950 --> 00:17:52.602
 My name is Aaron.

489
00:17:53.945 --> 00:17:55.334
 And if I wasn't driving the van,

490
00:17:55.998 --> 00:17:56.562
 I was filming.

491
00:17:57.725 --> 00:17:58.993
 And if I wasn't selling merch,

492
00:17:59.778 --> 00:18:00.362
 I was filming.

493
00:18:02.381 --> 00:18:05.250
 And with the aid of those videotapes that I managed to fill,

494
00:18:06.073 --> 00:18:07.818
 our story will begin to unfold.

495
00:18:09.381 --> 00:18:11.158
 So we might as well start at the beginning.

496
00:18:12.803 --> 00:18:13.778
 This is from tape one.

497
00:18:15.020 --> 00:18:17.373
 I'm already flexing my tour manager muscles at this point,

498
00:18:17.493 --> 00:18:18.318
 walking into the venue.

499
00:18:19.298 --> 00:18:23.918
 I remember I had this new feeling of responsibility for my friends and their band.

500
00:18:27.339 --> 00:18:27.822
 How we doing?

501
00:18:29.030 --> 00:18:29.342
 Going on.

502
00:18:29.747 --> 00:18:29.899
 Good.

503
00:18:31.123 --> 00:18:31.364
 You know,

504
00:18:31.344 --> 00:18:33.275
 when I asked John that night how things were going,

505
00:18:33.476 --> 00:18:34.462
 I fucking meant it.

506
00:18:34.622 --> 00:18:36.882
Aaron is going to strategize his strategy.

507
00:18:37.764 --> 00:18:38.722
 I can't even see his face.

508
00:18:38.844 --> 00:18:39.202
 Where are you?

509
00:18:39.467 --> 00:18:40.240
God damn.

510
00:18:44.198 --> 00:18:45.462
Based off of that first night,

511
00:18:45.502 --> 00:18:47.510
 we assumed this was how it was always going to be.

512
00:18:48.330 --> 00:18:48.714
 I mean,

513
00:18:48.734 --> 00:18:50.350
 a gut-busting wall-to-wall party.

514
00:18:51.630 --> 00:18:52.493
 Hanging out backstage,

515
00:18:52.553 --> 00:18:54.018
 none of us could stop laughing,

516
00:18:54.319 --> 00:18:54.921
 smiling,

517
00:18:54.941 --> 00:18:57.650
 or acting over the fucking moon about every little thing.

518
00:18:58.710 --> 00:18:58.993
 Jenga,

519
00:18:59.054 --> 00:19:00.266
 playing Jenga was like,

520
00:19:00.489 --> 00:19:00.610
 oh!

521
00:19:02.365 --> 00:19:02.788
 J-Ga!

522
00:19:03.211 --> 00:19:03.634
 J-Ga!

523
00:19:04.118 --> 00:19:04.501
 J-Ga!

524
00:19:04.862 --> 00:19:05.682
 I punched it!

525
00:19:09.371 --> 00:19:11.182
 We were about to kiss our hometown goodbye,

526
00:19:11.803 --> 00:19:12.790
 but before we did,

527
00:19:12.810 --> 00:19:15.473
 we got one more opportunity to flex our new,

528
00:19:15.674 --> 00:19:20.282
 fresh fame and everybody's stupid faces and party our asses off with our friends.

529
00:19:21.003 --> 00:19:21.752
 After the show wrapped,

530
00:19:21.752 --> 00:19:25.601
 we eventually piled into John's barely-working Jeep and headed over to Luke's,

531
00:19:26.262 --> 00:19:27.422
 which was where the party was waiting.

532
00:19:29.177 --> 00:19:29.298
 Oh,

533
00:19:29.581 --> 00:19:29.702
shit.

534
00:19:39.502 --> 00:19:41.346
I love the fact that your car works right now.

535
00:19:41.426 --> 00:19:41.864
 That's amazing.

536
00:19:42.108 --> 00:19:42.266
Yeah.

537
00:19:42.488 --> 00:19:43.165
 How did that happen?

538
00:19:43.406 --> 00:19:44.426
We found out what was wrong with it.

539
00:19:44.508 --> 00:19:45.145
 What was wrong with it?

540
00:19:45.246 --> 00:19:46.526
 There's a little sensor in the shifter.

541
00:19:46.646 --> 00:19:48.686
 I can start it all the time in neutral if I want to.

542
00:19:49.506 --> 00:19:49.697
Awesome.

543
00:19:51.175 --> 00:19:51.298
Oh,

544
00:19:51.298 --> 00:19:51.566
gosh.

545
00:19:52.286 --> 00:19:52.415
Man.

546
00:19:53.577 --> 00:19:54.688
 I remember pulling up to Luke's.

547
00:19:54.748 --> 00:19:56.188
 There were people everywhere.

548
00:19:57.011 --> 00:19:58.988
 All of the standard party bullet points were there.

549
00:19:59.610 --> 00:20:00.888
 Beer pong in the basement.

550
00:20:01.408 --> 00:20:02.608
 Chaos in the kitchen.

551
00:20:03.168 --> 00:20:07.008
 A semi-quiet space out back where the weed and the cig smokers would hang out.

552
00:20:08.191 --> 00:20:08.796
 Room to room,

553
00:20:09.139 --> 00:20:10.128
 the house was packed.

554
00:20:11.610 --> 00:20:15.268
 The oldest person there was 25 and the youngest still had to go to high school in the morning.

555
00:20:16.475 --> 00:20:16.860
 Aaron,

556
00:20:16.860 --> 00:20:17.467
 you're killing me.

557
00:20:18.429 --> 00:20:20.368
That girl has to go to fucking high school tomorrow.

558
00:20:21.109 --> 00:20:21.921
 Or this morning,

559
00:20:21.961 --> 00:20:22.407
 let me say.

560
00:20:23.412 --> 00:20:23.855
Oh shit,

561
00:20:23.855 --> 00:20:25.083
 I ate skin fresh.

562
00:20:25.827 --> 00:20:29.003
 I think the guys had just found out that the start of tour is changing.

563
00:20:31.951 --> 00:20:32.456
Start tour?

564
00:20:33.585 --> 00:20:33.825
 Well,

565
00:20:34.768 --> 00:20:35.470
 it's supposed to be

566
00:20:35.831 --> 00:20:36.813
 Wednesday in New Jersey,

567
00:20:36.894 --> 00:20:37.335
 but now,

568
00:20:37.335 --> 00:20:38.177
 uh,

569
00:20:40.303 --> 00:20:41.707
 now it looks like we're,

570
00:20:41.747 --> 00:20:41.887
 uh...

571
00:20:43.393 --> 00:20:44.176
 Driving to Portland.

572
00:20:44.477 --> 00:20:45.341
 I said Portland,

573
00:20:45.381 --> 00:20:45.642
 Oregon.

574
00:20:45.883 --> 00:20:46.003
 So,

575
00:20:46.084 --> 00:20:46.204
 nope.

576
00:20:49.168 --> 00:20:55.228
Imagine finding out the day or two before you're going on a trip that you're not going to the East Coast but the West Coast.

577
00:20:55.728 --> 00:20:56.312
 No big deal.

578
00:20:56.815 --> 00:20:58.043
 In your fucking early 20s,

579
00:20:58.043 --> 00:20:58.728
 no big deal.

580
00:21:00.630 --> 00:21:01.234
 At this point,

581
00:21:01.375 --> 00:21:02.261
 it was the end of May,

582
00:21:02.543 --> 00:21:03.288
 2004.

583
00:21:04.208 --> 00:21:10.568
 The five of us were standing on the edge of a summer that would quite literally change the direction of all of our lives.

584
00:21:11.807 --> 00:21:14.596
 The more I try and focus on these moments before tour,

585
00:21:14.736 --> 00:21:15.659
 I realize that

586
00:21:15.1000 --> 00:21:17.324
 I was just along for the ride.

587
00:21:18.906 --> 00:21:21.284
 Pete joked earlier about reoccurring themes.

588
00:21:22.480 --> 00:21:24.072
 this is without a doubt one of them.

589
00:21:25.373 --> 00:21:34.592
 Another that will keep popping up is this idea of brute force and the assumption that sheer will would allow us to do anything we wanted.

590
00:21:35.933 --> 00:21:36.355
 Example,

591
00:21:36.939 --> 00:21:40.772
 the band was going to be loved anywhere they went because the band was loved at home.

592
00:21:41.832 --> 00:21:42.294
 We knew,

593
00:21:42.596 --> 00:21:46.392
 we knew we were all about to become famous.

594
00:21:47.177 --> 00:21:54.652
 my dreams of becoming a filmmaker would just materialize right in front of me while helping my good friends with their new lives as famous rock stars.

595
00:21:56.054 --> 00:21:58.692
 Fast forward four years to the bowels of Florida,

596
00:21:59.653 --> 00:22:02.772
 and we were so much farther away than when we started.

597
00:22:10.607 --> 00:22:12.924
 Even If It Kills Me is a Fang Workshop production.

598
00:22:13.644 --> 00:22:14.675
 Written and narrated by me,

599
00:22:15.120 --> 00:22:15.504
 Aaron Goy.

600
00:22:16.365 --> 00:22:18.044
 Produced by John Lulo and Brendan Walter.

601
00:22:18.764 --> 00:22:20.644
 Featuring original music by Alex Dozen,

602
00:22:21.164 --> 00:22:22.924
 and original theme song by Matt McKitt.

603
00:22:44.746 --> 00:22:51.656
Thank you.