WEBVTT

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Even If It Kills Me is presented by Manhead Merch.

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Once

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the tour bus door closed in the summer of 06,

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those hazy end of summer days only added.

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to our near instant nostalgia for events that were not even a week old.

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The first day I was home,

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away from the

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24-hour cacophony of a touring music festival,

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I honestly couldn't wait to get to the quiet of my bedroom.

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For the past two and a half months,

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if we weren't somewhere with an earshot of a three-story tower of speakers the size of go-karts,

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we were wandering the canyons of idling tour buses and tractor trailers.

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Even once on the bus,

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the generator was always running.

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Our lost addiction would not have been possible without it.

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It couldn't have been very long before I noticed something odd amongst the silence.

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of my bedroom.

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It still sounded like I was on the bus,

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on the tour.

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It felt like my body was vibrating.

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And this ringing was more than just my dumb ass never wearing earplugs.

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It was this constant reminder of being there,

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surfing the screaming edge of the event horizon of fame,

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just long enough for it to leave its mark forever.

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It's been almost 20 years since the peak of Summer Tour 2006,

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but still to this day,

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the shimmer of that summer still warbles and rings true for us.

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What we had been seeing on a scale imperceivable to anyone around it was happening on a scale

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10,000-fold.

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The scene was ending.

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The generation was shifting into its second half.

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Generation X was having kids,

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and the millennials were dealing with the world falling apart at the plinths.

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Individualism was burning across the globe like a wildfire jumping a highway.

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It was disconnecting and splintering the pop scene into a million little pieces,

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Humpty Dumpty'd forever.

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You have to make a lot of decisions.

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as a band,

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and those decisions have a lot of consequences one way or the other.

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How do you write?

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Who is recording it?

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And are you going to make like a stylistic change slash growth from album to album?

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Because those three things can all be confused for being the same thing.

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In the end product.

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This album was written bigger.

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Alright,

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a band's progression grows.

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It doesn't shrink.

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Progression is not shrinkage.

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The new album,

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there was some slide guitar in there.

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There was some keyboards.

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There was harmonies.

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Some new octaves.

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We were trying to kind of do something different with that album.

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And have a little bit more depth.

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And because we're who we are,

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right?

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I mean,

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we were the original four and then ultimately the five people that made up that band.

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All of it felt very organic and natural to us.

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But when you take those three different aspects of the process,

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what came out,

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I feel like the label was just like,

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the fuck is this?

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It's like they're like,

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this isn't you guys.

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This isn't any like,

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you know,

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this isn't what we what we were paying for,

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quote unquote.

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So have this be the end outcome.

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When we turned in the record,

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the head of the label hit me up and was like,

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are you down to write with people?

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And back then it was not acceptable really to write with other people.

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And then they started talking about wanting to work with other people to write singles and blah,

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blah,

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blah.

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And I was just like,

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oh,

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fuck,

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here we go.

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All right,

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here's a little known fact.

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Back in the

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2000s, collaborating was not cool.

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Cool people,

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they wrote their own damn songs.

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What the label did was they're like,

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can we just send you to L.A.,

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have you write with someone we think you'll really click with and just see what happens.

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To push the sound of the band in a direction that would make sense to everyone,

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John stepped out of his comfort zone,

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broke his own bullshit self-imposed rule of not collaborating with anyone outside of the band,

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and he headed to LA to completely relearn the process of writing songs from someone who was living at Shirley Temple's house?

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What?

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He was squatting in Shirley Temple's mansion for his friend who was like a celebrity realtor.

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And every day I'd go to Shirley Temple's house and Kevin slowly but surely taught me a completely different way to think about songs.

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And this was like a game changer for me because I was a guy who would just kill myself to try and get results in a way that was not helpful.

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Whereas like this is exactly what I needed.

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You know what else John and the rest of the band needed?

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They needed some fresh meat,

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some untainted young blood to inject into their old vampire veins in order to keep their creative juices flowing and growing.

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They needed a man,

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and that man's name was Dan.

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I watched

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The Office from front to back easily four times.

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Dan was the final addition to the band,

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and it was such an organic thing for him to join.

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that it felt as if his spot on stage had already been carved out and reserved years before it actually happened.

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You know how some people,

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if the marriage isn't working well,

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they maybe,

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well,

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let's try to have another baby.

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The album that we had written and recorded was different,

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and we needed to change our live sound to kind of match that.

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We wanted to make a go of it because it was like our last chance,

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you know?

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I watched them.

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demonstrate the blueprint of you know um being a little different in in in particularly in forms of um in the in like being in a band um it wasn't something a lot of people did and it was kind of like a whoa what if people did that so i watched them do that when

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i was impressionable you know and young and that i i obviously was like i want to do it too and then you know you go a few years later and i'm up

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graduated from high school and college basically aged and it's like they're looking for someone and they're like what are we gonna go audition strangers let's just see if dan can do it dan and pete and myself all

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grew up on the same road we were all kind of out in the country here dan and i went to the same high school you know he was a music guy and writing songs playing in bands

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But like,

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I've known Dan since I was a little kid.

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I mean,

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he was like a natural fit.

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He grew up in our neighborhood.

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He was,

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he's an awesome guitarist.

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He's an awesome singer.

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He can play keys.

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So then I ended up calling him and asking him,

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Hey,

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you know,

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would you ever want to like come on tour with us?

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I'm in college.

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It sucks.

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And I'm like ready to bounce.

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And they're like,

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yo,

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you could just come on the road with us if you want,

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whatever.

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Come help us finish the record and come on the road with us.

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And he basically was just like.

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Well,

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I guess.

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I mean,

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I guess I'll try it.

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And I was like,

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all right,

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so I basically got to go for it or not.

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I went for that.

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He walked away from school to come do it.

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So it's like he gave up just as much as any of us did.

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We went back to record like two or three more songs.

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And that's sort of where I jumped in and was playing a few parts in the studio.

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I wasn't there for that whole album.

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He was already,

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you know.

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super tight with us as it was and it just was seemed like a natural thing to have him in and i was stoked you know i just thought it would be great if it couldn't have been dan i don't know that we would have done it that we would have tried to get somebody else it had to be a homie it had to be somebody who was like a brother mac

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and i were probably the last to know dan and it's funny because once he joined the band and i got to know him i couldn't imagine life without him but yeah we were just like

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immediate friends and it worked out so well we were just happy that he wanted to come along for the ride dan was locked in folded in and ready to rock in the usa yeah i sort of got rushed in so

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that we could go tour and i could support them with like some of the added instruments and stuff like that that they were putting on it you know they were wanting a little more keys and

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those additional guitar parts.

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After a certain number of years,

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like the camps had formed,

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Dan made us all forget about that.

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And he was the unifier between the two camps.

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And everything was a lot lighter and easier with him around because of that.

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I was very okay with Dan joining because Dan took all of the singing.

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So now

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I could just play.

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Without the burden of a mic stand in front of him,

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Mac had the freedom of just playing.

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I imagine it's close to what Johnny Greenwood feels when he's plinking away on a harmonium hooked up to a wah-wah pedal while the rest of Radiohead is picking up the slack.

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Bringing in somebody you've known for,

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you know,

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a decade plus just makes it easier.

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And they're like excited again,

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you know,

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where the rest of us were all kind of like,

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here it is.

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It's tour.

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All right.

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He was very much more into it,

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which was inspiring for us.

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Is Dan in the band?

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Dan's in the band.

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Yeah,

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we're good.

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Everybody's good.

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All right.

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Back to work,

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everybody.

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Time to hit the road again.

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Where we were at in 2006 with the spring tour.

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And then being in the studio doing the record and then being on the summer tour,

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it just was so good.

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A lot of what I had heard about was like

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Glory Days stories.

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However,

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you'd still have great shows,

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just not shows where there's kids to the back wall,

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you know,

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and screaming at the top of their lungs.

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Not big crowds,

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smaller venues,

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just kind of.

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going along and doing the thing.

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We were back to our previous life of in the van,

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you know,

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playing small shows.

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You know,

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we had some good one-off shows here and there.

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We would still have,

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like,

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amazing times.

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I've never had any college,

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like,

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fraternity thing,

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but it was,

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like,

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fraternal for sure.

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Every day when we see someone driving,

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they're going to work,

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and we're just,

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like,

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fucking around.

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and trying to get to the next spot on time.

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I love that part of it.

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We hit the U.S.

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at least twice.

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It just wasn't going well.

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The writing was kind of on the wall,

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like the record was getting held up.

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Our bills were adding up.

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We were just working to pay off,

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like to pay for our van and to pay for the trailer and to pay for our studio rent.

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We were basically working and practicing and just to save up enough money to go on tour.

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And it was just the same thing over and over again.

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At that point,

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it kind of sets in that ever since we came off that summer tour,

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we haven't had very much go in our favor.

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It went flat.

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Where the music industry was at that point was like this weird tipping point between the end of CDs,

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the end of all that stuff,

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and the beginning of the whole social media revolution.

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We were stuck.

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Morale was not very high during those tours.

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We weren't making any headway.

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We were just like...

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treading water just hoping to like make it long enough for the record to come out for the rest of 2006 the band pinballed around the u.s on old familiar tours with loose crowds and crowded merch totes they

256
00:13:14.972 --> 00:13:25.581
were powerlessly waiting for the record label to set a release date so fall turned to winter winter into spring spring turned up a release date

257
00:13:26.061 --> 00:13:27.302
And a promising U.S.

258
00:13:27.382 --> 00:13:29.703
tour with a headliner that could sell out shows.

259
00:13:31.464 --> 00:13:32.685
Okay.

260
00:13:33.825 --> 00:13:34.326
All right,

261
00:13:34.406 --> 00:13:34.826
all right.

262
00:13:34.866 --> 00:13:35.186
Okay,

263
00:13:35.286 --> 00:13:36.467
now we're talking.

264
00:13:37.427 --> 00:13:40.289
The track is back and we are on it.

265
00:13:41.490 --> 00:13:42.430
Let's get this shit.

266
00:13:43.131 --> 00:13:46.232
We were going out that summer with a bigger band.

267
00:13:47.013 --> 00:13:48.554
A significantly bigger band.

268
00:13:49.254 --> 00:13:50.575
So we're excited for this.

269
00:13:50.995 --> 00:13:53.676
We're locked in and we're ready to go out.

270
00:13:53.957 --> 00:13:54.377
And.

271
00:13:55.049 --> 00:13:56.170
Next thing we know,

272
00:13:56.991 --> 00:13:58.572
that band says,

273
00:14:00.534 --> 00:14:01.214
actually,

274
00:14:01.955 --> 00:14:02.715
never mind.

275
00:14:03.776 --> 00:14:06.759
They decide to cancel their tour.

276
00:14:07.659 --> 00:14:11.583
And then they hitch on with an even bigger band.

277
00:14:12.083 --> 00:14:14.225
And they go out as support for this bigger band.

278
00:14:14.785 --> 00:14:16.567
And then we have nothing.

279
00:14:17.187 --> 00:14:17.367
Sorry,

280
00:14:17.387 --> 00:14:17.708
guys.

281
00:14:18.168 --> 00:14:18.548
Good luck.

282
00:14:18.829 --> 00:14:20.070
We're going out with a bigger band.

283
00:14:20.890 --> 00:14:24.013
So we are now like...

284
00:14:24.233 --> 00:14:40.302
okay that's great as a consolation prize our booking agent and our manager worked to book this other tour for us it was a headlining tour for us and there was another band gonna go with us and

285
00:14:40.302 --> 00:14:53.509
it was a small tour that went down the east coast we're not a headlining band we're not even an opening band like we're having hard enough time being support headliners you

286
00:14:54.257 --> 00:14:54.497
What?

287
00:14:54.817 --> 00:14:55.078
What?

288
00:14:55.338 --> 00:14:56.338
What the hell is going on?

289
00:14:56.398 --> 00:14:56.839
Wait a minute.

290
00:14:56.839 --> 00:14:57.919
They weren't ready to headline.

291
00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:00.441
Actually,

292
00:15:01.441 --> 00:15:01.661
I mean,

293
00:15:01.661 --> 00:15:04.483
they have been doing this band thing for like six years at this point.

294
00:15:06.024 --> 00:15:06.264
You know,

295
00:15:06.284 --> 00:15:09.006
everybody knows you got to put in your dues or in your lumps,

296
00:15:09.066 --> 00:15:09.466
whatever.

297
00:15:10.742 --> 00:15:11.703
But by year six,

298
00:15:11.903 --> 00:15:15.906
with thousands of miles of touring the US and Canada behind them,

299
00:15:16.767 --> 00:15:25.493
you would think that the band would have at least built up a small fan base and a little bit of confidence to go out on their own as headliners.

300
00:15:26.374 --> 00:15:27.975
But it didn't seem like it.

301
00:15:29.916 --> 00:15:31.277
Sure as hell didn't feel like it.

302
00:15:32.939 --> 00:15:34.560
Nobody really wanted to talk about it,

303
00:15:34.580 --> 00:15:37.402
but nobody really wanted to do it either.

304
00:15:38.550 --> 00:15:40.952
I think everybody had kind of been thinking,

305
00:15:41.072 --> 00:15:41.332
you know,

306
00:15:41.372 --> 00:15:42.113
we're getting older.

307
00:15:43.134 --> 00:15:44.515
What if we didn't keep playing?

308
00:15:45.196 --> 00:15:45.836
What are we going to do?

309
00:15:46.897 --> 00:15:48.658
It was hard to get any sort of,

310
00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:50.280
you know,

311
00:15:50.760 --> 00:15:52.642
of the juice back that makes you be like,

312
00:15:52.722 --> 00:15:53.022
yes,

313
00:15:53.082 --> 00:15:53.723
this is great.

314
00:15:53.723 --> 00:15:55.444
I'm going to put on a great show tonight.

315
00:15:55.564 --> 00:15:58.406
I'm going to write a great song when I get home from this tour.

316
00:15:59.527 --> 00:16:06.994
It was very hard maintaining any sort of hope.

317
00:16:08.126 --> 00:16:10.807
by the end that things were going to change.

318
00:16:11.547 --> 00:16:17.709
I think it was a matter of time where one of us was going to break and one of us was going to be like,

319
00:16:17.729 --> 00:16:18.129
guys,

320
00:16:18.169 --> 00:16:19.989
and then the rest of us were going to fucking fold.

321
00:16:20.389 --> 00:16:21.910
And that's exactly what happened.

322
00:16:22.310 --> 00:16:22.890
At that point,

323
00:16:22.930 --> 00:16:27.571
we were all hurting from what we were experiencing touring.

324
00:16:27.991 --> 00:16:28.552
Basically,

325
00:16:29.132 --> 00:16:30.732
I made this decision that I was like,

326
00:16:30.752 --> 00:16:37.474
I got to tell them I wanted to go back to school and get that out of the way and get things going for me.

327
00:16:37.794 --> 00:16:57.002
in another way first in first out like salindari it was logical that dan was the one to say the quiet part loud he was the closest to quote normal life having just joined he knew he had to start the conversation so he just reached out to john john's just like yo just uh

328
00:16:57.002 --> 00:17:05.906
come pick me up let's go for a drive and we'll talk about it okay he was getting my feeling for it and then he said something like let's get all the guys together because honestly i think

329
00:17:06.418 --> 00:17:10.901
Everybody might have this feeling to a degree.

330
00:17:11.542 --> 00:17:14.464
We were facing the decision whether or not to continue.

331
00:17:15.844 --> 00:17:16.425
And,

332
00:17:17.906 --> 00:17:18.146
you know,

333
00:17:18.166 --> 00:17:18.606
we're old.

334
00:17:19.007 --> 00:17:20.528
We don't have any money.

335
00:17:21.008 --> 00:17:25.831
We live with our parents and we're not having a lot of luck.

336
00:17:26.232 --> 00:17:29.394
It got thrown out quick what my intentions were.

337
00:17:29.854 --> 00:17:30.615
And then the whole,

338
00:17:31.275 --> 00:17:31.555
you know,

339
00:17:31.615 --> 00:17:35.558
kind of group debate started of whether or not everyone else wanted.

340
00:17:35.798 --> 00:17:50.949
to quit do we keep doing this or do we try to keep doing this or is that is that it or do we even want to try to keep doing this i was like dan's leaving the the new delight that i find in this band is leaving i don't know if i can do this like

341
00:17:50.989 --> 00:18:02.958
where's the joy gonna be coming from i think it was probably somewhat of a mixed bag of of relief in some ways we knew

342
00:18:04.574 --> 00:18:20.539
what we were up against at that point and you know we tried to rally the only person who was like fully still on board was pete and i was like are you kidding me i was finally starting to be like i think i want to do this and

343
00:18:20.759 --> 00:18:31.742
uh we decided that maybe we were gonna go do something else we were gonna stop it's time let's go do our thing that's it like the band's over there was no arguing

344
00:18:32.310 --> 00:18:33.771
No one was pissed at anyone.

345
00:18:33.931 --> 00:18:35.813
I was very nervous about that.

346
00:18:35.953 --> 00:18:36.314
I'm like,

347
00:18:36.334 --> 00:18:36.734
here we go.

348
00:18:37.415 --> 00:18:38.215
Someone's going to be like,

349
00:18:38.255 --> 00:18:40.097
I knew we shouldn't have fucking called you.

350
00:18:40.477 --> 00:18:40.717
Okay,

351
00:18:41.198 --> 00:18:41.658
it's booked.

352
00:18:41.858 --> 00:18:42.579
The tour is booked.

353
00:18:42.679 --> 00:18:44.160
We can't just bail on the whole tour.

354
00:18:44.261 --> 00:18:49.645
We have to at least put in a good faith effort to see it through.

355
00:18:50.766 --> 00:18:51.767
We had a conversation.

356
00:18:52.127 --> 00:18:53.068
We called our manager.

357
00:18:54.129 --> 00:18:54.450
We're like,

358
00:18:54.670 --> 00:18:55.150
this is it.

359
00:18:55.270 --> 00:18:56.051
We'll do this tour,

360
00:18:56.091 --> 00:18:57.272
but we're not doing the whole thing.

361
00:18:57.652 --> 00:18:59.354
Cancel the last second half of the tour.

362
00:19:00.102 --> 00:19:02.124
Whether or not we're going to be a band anymore,

363
00:19:03.365 --> 00:19:05.686
I'm not trying to burn bridges on the way out.

364
00:19:06.207 --> 00:19:06.907
You know what I mean?

365
00:19:06.967 --> 00:19:07.227
Like,

366
00:19:08.068 --> 00:19:15.073
I want to be an adult about the whole thing and have everyone feel like we fulfilled all of our obligations.

367
00:19:15.253 --> 00:19:17.995
So if these guys come to us with a tour,

368
00:19:19.316 --> 00:19:20.297
we say we're going to do it,

369
00:19:20.277 --> 00:19:21.298
we're going to fucking do it.

370
00:19:22.759 --> 00:19:25.101
Ever been overwhelmed by the logistics of merch on tour?

371
00:19:25.581 --> 00:19:26.942
I remember a chaotic night.

372
00:19:27.082 --> 00:19:30.884
trying to keep everything organized while the crowd was surrounding the merch table.

373
00:19:31.144 --> 00:19:34.005
As I scrambled to find the right size t-shirts for everyone,

374
00:19:34.105 --> 00:19:39.087
I realized we were completely sold out of all of our most popular shirts.

375
00:19:39.707 --> 00:19:39.887
Okay,

376
00:19:39.987 --> 00:19:42.768
now imagine you're managing merch for an arena show.

377
00:19:42.889 --> 00:19:43.949
How do you make that leap?

378
00:19:44.469 --> 00:19:48.451
Manhead Merch is the powerhouse behind some of the biggest names in the industry.

379
00:19:48.871 --> 00:19:51.332
They offer a full suite of services.

380
00:19:51.672 --> 00:19:52.012
Boring,

381
00:19:52.272 --> 00:19:52.773
e-commerce,

382
00:19:52.933 --> 00:19:53.393
retail,

383
00:19:53.553 --> 00:19:54.333
and licensing.

384
00:19:54.773 --> 00:19:56.254
Tailored for top-tier talent.

385
00:19:57.090 --> 00:20:01.233
They take care of everything from design and manufacturing to seamless order fulfillment,

386
00:20:01.674 --> 00:20:05.237
ensuring your merch game is as polished as your performance.

387
00:20:05.837 --> 00:20:08.940
Manhead Merch transforms chaos into streamlined success.

388
00:20:09.360 --> 00:20:12.381
They manage every aspect of merchandising so you don't have to.

389
00:20:12.901 --> 00:20:14.641
If I would have had Manhead Merch back then,

390
00:20:15.022 --> 00:20:18.042
they would have handled the logistics and I could have handled that crowd.

391
00:20:18.523 --> 00:20:20.243
Ready to take your band's merch to the next level?

392
00:20:20.543 --> 00:20:21.823
Visit manheadmerch.com.

393
00:20:23.524 --> 00:20:25.004
Songwriters are a special breed,

394
00:20:25.204 --> 00:20:27.165
but navigating a career in songwriting,

395
00:20:27.305 --> 00:20:28.065
that can be tricky.

396
00:20:28.345 --> 00:20:30.206
That's why we created Songwriter Soup,

397
00:20:30.446 --> 00:20:34.567
a podcast to help you not lose your mind and your money in the songwriter business.

398
00:20:34.787 --> 00:20:36.547
Hosted by hit songwriter Laura Feltz,

399
00:20:36.787 --> 00:20:38.468
financial advisor Tracy Hackney,

400
00:20:38.852 --> 00:20:39.092
And me,

401
00:20:39.392 --> 00:20:40.213
Kevin Sokolnicki,

402
00:20:40.533 --> 00:20:42.194
I'm here to ask the dumb questions.

403
00:20:42.454 --> 00:20:44.675
It's all about helping people on a creative path,

404
00:20:44.875 --> 00:20:47.037
stay afloat and feel a little bit more seen.

405
00:20:47.277 --> 00:20:49.958
So check out Songwriter Soup wherever you get your podcasts.

406
00:20:57.243 --> 00:20:57.623
Wow.

407
00:20:58.543 --> 00:20:59.284
Holy shit.

408
00:21:01.125 --> 00:21:02.305
I can't believe I'm going to say this.

409
00:21:03.026 --> 00:21:04.206
One final tour.

410
00:21:05.667 --> 00:21:06.808
One final route.

411
00:21:07.508 --> 00:21:13.733
One last trip down the east coast right back to that hot sweaty tainty growth named Florida.

412
00:21:20.038 --> 00:21:34.390
Especially if we got some good weed or something and you got something to give them they gonna they gonna they gonna eat it up like fucking grits grits you know what grits are yeah you ever eaten any grit I have never had grits but oh

413
00:21:34.450 --> 00:21:36.172
man let's go to the Waffle House

414
00:21:39.626 --> 00:21:40.446
That's exactly where I'm at.

415
00:21:40.446 --> 00:21:41.487
Let's go to the Wobble House.

416
00:21:41.667 --> 00:21:42.767
Spin the wheel.

417
00:21:43.048 --> 00:21:43.728
Pick a tape.

418
00:21:44.108 --> 00:21:48.071
Pick a show from Florida and they will all sound the same.

419
00:21:48.871 --> 00:21:52.313
He is so ugly he just makes his face and don't make gorilla cookies.

420
00:21:52.773 --> 00:21:53.734
Gorilla cookies.

421
00:21:53.734 --> 00:21:59.217
We got five thousand gorilla cookies.

422
00:21:59.237 --> 00:21:59.818
They're ugly,

423
00:21:59.938 --> 00:22:00.158
man.

424
00:22:00.178 --> 00:22:01.459
They're all game thrill.

425
00:22:01.839 --> 00:22:02.899
Game thrill,

426
00:22:02.959 --> 00:22:03.620
yeah.

427
00:22:03.960 --> 00:22:05.441
Gainesville that's where my brother went

428
00:22:05.922 --> 00:22:26.941
University of Florida go Gators well that sounds exciting wow that's that sounds like a fun time how'd the show go that night it's one of the largest labels oh

429
00:22:28.222 --> 00:22:30.124
yeah that's right nobody was there

430
00:22:32.620 --> 00:22:33.580
Empty crowds,

431
00:22:34.441 --> 00:22:35.321
crowded bars,

432
00:22:36.101 --> 00:22:36.841
all locals,

433
00:22:37.481 --> 00:22:40.962
zero fucks given about what was on stage.

434
00:22:41.903 --> 00:22:43.463
The holes we stopped in,

435
00:22:44.523 --> 00:22:47.284
they were just filler between bad teeth cigarettes.

436
00:22:47.804 --> 00:22:50.745
There were some shows that had people at them,

437
00:22:51.985 --> 00:22:56.307
but there were some shows that didn't have any people at them at all.

438
00:22:56.647 --> 00:22:58.147
There were some shows that got canceled.

439
00:22:58.387 --> 00:22:59.607
We'd show up at venues,

440
00:22:59.928 --> 00:23:01.428
we wouldn't be on their calendar.

441
00:23:01.788 --> 00:23:03.309
There'd be no poster in the window.

442
00:23:03.689 --> 00:23:03.949
Like,

443
00:23:04.670 --> 00:23:04.930
you know,

444
00:23:05.830 --> 00:23:08.752
they'd let us in and we'd set up and play.

445
00:23:09.792 --> 00:23:10.953
But it was for like,

446
00:23:10.993 --> 00:23:11.253
you know,

447
00:23:11.833 --> 00:23:12.074
us,

448
00:23:12.634 --> 00:23:13.474
the other band,

449
00:23:14.295 --> 00:23:15.415
their sound guy,

450
00:23:15.575 --> 00:23:16.396
the bartender.

451
00:23:16.536 --> 00:23:17.537
And some nights that was it.

452
00:23:17.517 --> 00:23:19.017
And some nights they just would say,

453
00:23:19.097 --> 00:23:19.217
no,

454
00:23:19.298 --> 00:23:20.258
let's just not even do it.

455
00:23:20.238 --> 00:23:20.458
And we,

456
00:23:20.598 --> 00:23:20.858
you know,

457
00:23:20.938 --> 00:23:21.519
we'd cancel.

458
00:23:21.879 --> 00:23:22.479
It was a mix.

459
00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:24.841
They weren't all complete flops,

460
00:23:24.941 --> 00:23:27.382
but there was a lot of not a lot.

461
00:23:27.622 --> 00:23:29.763
Tensions were high because we were nearing the end,

462
00:23:29.823 --> 00:23:30.083
you know,

463
00:23:30.123 --> 00:23:30.984
and it was just like.

464
00:23:31.768 --> 00:23:37.771
Everybody was either ready for it to be over and or not wanting it to be over.

465
00:23:38.372 --> 00:23:39.412
From the very beginning,

466
00:23:39.912 --> 00:23:40.873
Ryan was all in.

467
00:23:42.334 --> 00:23:44.255
As the years and the miles dragged on,

468
00:23:45.676 --> 00:23:49.978
the world outside the bubble of touring life had started to turn menacing.

469
00:23:51.299 --> 00:23:56.221
And Ryan felt its unforgiving lack of giving a shit about him more than anyone.

470
00:23:57.442 --> 00:24:00.263
He could not wait any longer.

471
00:24:01.528 --> 00:24:05.073
He wanted his second chance at riding that mechanical bull of the universe,

472
00:24:05.113 --> 00:24:06.215
but this time...

473
00:24:07.897 --> 00:24:10.762
This time there was no getting bucked off too soon.

474
00:24:11.062 --> 00:24:11.222
Nah,

475
00:24:11.723 --> 00:24:12.244
fuck that.

476
00:24:14.187 --> 00:24:14.968
Ryan was acting...

477
00:24:15.492 --> 00:24:16.173
Kind of strange,

478
00:24:16.533 --> 00:24:18.034
like not having fun,

479
00:24:18.595 --> 00:24:20.656
didn't want to do basically anything.

480
00:24:21.097 --> 00:24:22.838
We weren't making money on bigger tours.

481
00:24:22.898 --> 00:24:24.720
So like on smaller tours like this,

482
00:24:24.780 --> 00:24:27.242
like there is no money in my mind.

483
00:24:27.282 --> 00:24:27.702
I'm thinking,

484
00:24:27.722 --> 00:24:28.062
man,

485
00:24:28.683 --> 00:24:31.765
I need to be at home working,

486
00:24:32.206 --> 00:24:38.031
saving up some money to get myself to where I was going for school,

487
00:24:38.111 --> 00:24:38.791
which was Florida.

488
00:24:39.212 --> 00:24:40.873
And I was getting kind of impatient.

489
00:24:41.173 --> 00:24:44.396
There is nothing wrong with knowing when to call it quits.

490
00:24:46.288 --> 00:24:47.510
When you're in over your head,

491
00:24:48.031 --> 00:24:49.012
feel like you're drowning,

492
00:24:49.773 --> 00:24:54.139
it's cool to panic and wave and scream for help and want somebody to lifeguard you on out of there.

493
00:24:56.643 --> 00:25:01.330
If you're in a band with your best buds for years and shit just ain't paying the bills...

494
00:25:03.078 --> 00:25:06.683
It's okay to take an agonizing reappraisal of the whole scene.

495
00:25:07.744 --> 00:25:08.965
You wanna know what isn't okay?

496
00:25:11.128 --> 00:25:12.850
You wanna know what isn't fucking cool?

497
00:25:14.052 --> 00:25:16.475
You wanna know what fucking sucks?

498
00:25:18.898 --> 00:25:20.139
When you quit while quitting.

499
00:25:21.861 --> 00:25:22.282
When you're-

500
00:25:22.602 --> 00:25:37.511
inches from the finish line or when you've stopped running at yard 99 or when you only have a few days left on your final tour as a band and you just fucking

501
00:25:37.771 --> 00:25:49.338
quit shit sticks with ryan had already kind of confided in me that he was like

502
00:25:50.042 --> 00:25:50.162
Yo,

503
00:25:50.422 --> 00:25:52.363
I don't know if I can finish this tour.

504
00:25:53.143 --> 00:25:54.004
I might bail.

505
00:25:54.064 --> 00:25:55.184
Would that be fucked up?

506
00:25:55.905 --> 00:25:56.065
And,

507
00:25:56.145 --> 00:25:56.405
you know,

508
00:25:56.485 --> 00:25:57.045
Ryan's like,

509
00:25:57.065 --> 00:25:59.666
I'm already hurting and I'm already over this.

510
00:26:00.126 --> 00:26:01.067
Who are we doing this for?

511
00:26:01.067 --> 00:26:03.328
It's obviously not for us because like it's costing us.

512
00:26:04.008 --> 00:26:05.028
And then we get to Florida.

513
00:26:06.269 --> 00:26:12.912
We are staying at Dan's now wife's family's house in Orlando.

514
00:26:14.753 --> 00:26:17.734
One of Ryan's good friends lives in Orlando.

515
00:26:18.810 --> 00:26:22.093
One of my best friends lived in Orlando at the time,

516
00:26:22.573 --> 00:26:29.479
and there was a couple friends of ours from home there that weekend and hanging out,

517
00:26:29.579 --> 00:26:29.980
visiting.

518
00:26:30.740 --> 00:26:31.161
And

519
00:26:34.483 --> 00:26:47.054
I saw that as an opportunity to either try to put some leverage on it or just peace out.

520
00:26:47.498 --> 00:26:52.121
We had gone out to eat and we had come back and Ryan sort of came in and was like,

521
00:26:52.181 --> 00:26:52.301
yo,

522
00:26:52.761 --> 00:26:55.122
I want to talk to you guys out front of the house.

523
00:26:55.262 --> 00:26:57.904
And so we all went out to the front.

524
00:26:58.284 --> 00:26:59.365
I pulled everybody out.

525
00:26:59.865 --> 00:27:00.305
I told him,

526
00:27:00.325 --> 00:27:00.685
I'm like,

527
00:27:00.725 --> 00:27:01.046
all right,

528
00:27:02.246 --> 00:27:02.727
I'm out of here.

529
00:27:03.767 --> 00:27:04.728
Two buddies are up,

530
00:27:05.368 --> 00:27:05.628
you know,

531
00:27:05.648 --> 00:27:07.009
up the street and they're,

532
00:27:07.389 --> 00:27:09.750
they're heading home tomorrow.

533
00:27:10.331 --> 00:27:12.012
They're driving back to New York and

534
00:27:12.412 --> 00:27:13.833
I'm, I'm hitching a ride.

535
00:27:13.833 --> 00:27:14.513
I'm heading back.

536
00:27:14.673 --> 00:27:15.814
He said he was leaving.

537
00:27:16.570 --> 00:27:16.730
Like,

538
00:27:16.750 --> 00:27:16.890
well,

539
00:27:17.030 --> 00:27:17.251
Ryan,

540
00:27:17.291 --> 00:27:19.492
we've only got like a couple more days left.

541
00:27:19.673 --> 00:27:21.114
I thought maybe they would just be like,

542
00:27:22.114 --> 00:27:22.315
yeah,

543
00:27:22.895 --> 00:27:23.335
it's time.

544
00:27:24.136 --> 00:27:27.719
And that is not how it went at all.

545
00:27:28.259 --> 00:27:28.619
He's like,

546
00:27:29.220 --> 00:27:29.340
no,

547
00:27:29.900 --> 00:27:30.861
I can't do it anymore.

548
00:27:31.262 --> 00:27:33.163
The other guys took it a little harder.

549
00:27:33.283 --> 00:27:35.845
I don't really remember Pete getting to like.

550
00:27:37.206 --> 00:27:54.114
heated about it but i know like the other guys definitely were like dude abandoned ship we'd probably walk it back but the initial was fuck you forever oh you don't want to be in this anymore and this is how you want to do it be my fucking guest he's succumbing to the noise and

551
00:27:54.274 --> 00:28:03.778
it pissed me off this whole time that dude was the one guy who was always in and always wanted to do the thing and now he was like leaving us at the end

552
00:28:04.734 --> 00:28:07.635
When we had maybe five or six shows left total.

553
00:28:07.935 --> 00:28:09.215
This is not a good idea.

554
00:28:09.415 --> 00:28:10.516
It did not go well.

555
00:28:11.496 --> 00:28:17.097
They did not agree that it was time to stop and they were mad.

556
00:28:17.998 --> 00:28:18.578
And

557
00:28:19.838 --> 00:28:21.999
I had already just given my,

558
00:28:22.119 --> 00:28:24.599
I'm heading back and I wasn't backing down.

559
00:28:25.480 --> 00:28:25.960
They were like,

560
00:28:25.980 --> 00:28:26.600
what the fuck?

561
00:28:27.620 --> 00:28:28.280
And I was like,

562
00:28:28.340 --> 00:28:28.460
well,

563
00:28:28.500 --> 00:28:29.961
why the fuck are we here?

564
00:28:30.281 --> 00:28:30.741
And you know,

565
00:28:30.781 --> 00:28:33.842
like we're just back and forth and I'm not backing down and they're not backing down.

566
00:28:35.530 --> 00:28:38.071
I thought other members were going to be relieved,

567
00:28:38.352 --> 00:28:38.632
you know,

568
00:28:38.692 --> 00:28:39.732
and maybe we could just all go.

569
00:28:40.073 --> 00:28:41.533
But it just it didn't go that way.

570
00:28:42.154 --> 00:28:43.174
It didn't go that way at all.

571
00:28:43.394 --> 00:28:45.095
That was the sort of general attitude of like,

572
00:28:45.095 --> 00:28:45.796
I can't believe,

573
00:28:45.796 --> 00:28:46.096
you know,

574
00:28:46.396 --> 00:28:51.899
he's not going to he's not going to finish this out with us all that we've done all this.

575
00:28:52.720 --> 00:28:54.120
And now he's going to be like,

576
00:28:54.160 --> 00:28:54.321
oh,

577
00:28:54.341 --> 00:28:58.663
I'm going to I'm going to go and and like go home early.

578
00:28:58.823 --> 00:29:00.344
My friend is picking me up by.

579
00:29:00.964 --> 00:29:01.284
They said,

580
00:29:01.284 --> 00:29:01.585
all right,

581
00:29:03.466 --> 00:29:03.926
peace out.

582
00:29:04.606 --> 00:29:04.906
They said,

583
00:29:05.006 --> 00:29:05.507
see you later.

584
00:29:05.767 --> 00:29:06.107
And I said,

585
00:29:06.127 --> 00:29:06.447
all right,

586
00:29:06.807 --> 00:29:07.107
see ya.

587
00:29:07.988 --> 00:29:08.968
And they went in the house.

588
00:29:10.009 --> 00:29:14.872
Then I went and got in the van and I sat in the van and I called my friend.

589
00:29:15.852 --> 00:29:16.212
I thought,

590
00:29:16.252 --> 00:29:16.452
you know,

591
00:29:16.452 --> 00:29:18.113
I'm just going to call him up and be like,

592
00:29:18.113 --> 00:29:18.233
yo,

593
00:29:18.434 --> 00:29:18.634
okay,

594
00:29:18.794 --> 00:29:19.174
come get me.

595
00:29:20.895 --> 00:29:21.175
Nope,

596
00:29:21.735 --> 00:29:22.256
asleep.

597
00:29:22.976 --> 00:29:23.096
So

598
00:29:23.516 --> 00:29:33.622
I sat awake in the front seat of the van all night long calling and calling and calling until the sun rises.

599
00:29:34.770 --> 00:29:38.053
I didn't sleep that night and I'm kind of dozing off and I'm not.

600
00:29:38.093 --> 00:29:39.575
And all of a sudden he calls,

601
00:29:39.795 --> 00:29:39.955
Hey,

602
00:29:40.015 --> 00:29:40.375
what's up?

603
00:29:40.415 --> 00:29:40.976
What's going on?

604
00:29:41.056 --> 00:29:41.376
I'm like,

605
00:29:41.376 --> 00:29:42.157
you got to come get me.

606
00:29:43.258 --> 00:29:45.140
I'm at the house where we're staying.

607
00:29:45.500 --> 00:29:46.261
You got to come get me.

608
00:29:47.862 --> 00:29:48.203
He's like,

609
00:29:48.203 --> 00:29:48.423
all right,

610
00:29:48.423 --> 00:29:48.503
dude,

611
00:29:48.503 --> 00:29:49.043
I'll be right there.

612
00:29:49.103 --> 00:29:53.868
So he comes down and he grabbed his bag and his friend came and picked him up.

613
00:29:53.968 --> 00:29:54.769
And that was it.

614
00:29:54.829 --> 00:29:55.309
He was gone.

615
00:29:56.158 --> 00:29:56.758
So we were like,

616
00:29:56.979 --> 00:29:57.299
okay,

617
00:29:57.979 --> 00:29:58.159
well,

618
00:29:58.299 --> 00:29:58.980
Ryan's gone.

619
00:29:59.340 --> 00:30:00.080
Alrighty.

620
00:30:00.921 --> 00:30:02.342
I guess that's that mattress man.

621
00:30:02.422 --> 00:30:02.982
Ryan left.

622
00:30:03.903 --> 00:30:04.043
Oh,

623
00:30:04.243 --> 00:30:05.303
and it was in Florida?

624
00:30:05.684 --> 00:30:06.384
Fuck that.

625
00:30:06.924 --> 00:30:08.766
Nothing good ever happens in Florida.

626
00:30:09.286 --> 00:30:11.747
Nothing good ever happens in Florida on tour either.

627
00:30:12.328 --> 00:30:16.950
Just the fact that Ryan left on tour in Florida just proves that point.

628
00:30:17.271 --> 00:30:22.934
We immediately addressed how I would fill in that hole.

629
00:30:23.630 --> 00:30:26.031
Which was essentially I'd be stepping in a second guitar,

630
00:30:26.171 --> 00:30:28.253
not like sort of alternative instruments.

631
00:30:28.453 --> 00:30:35.196
So all of a sudden we're back down to two guitars or maybe just one guitar and a bunch of keys happening.

632
00:30:35.577 --> 00:30:36.057
Regardless,

633
00:30:36.097 --> 00:30:40.679
it opened us up a lot to where it kind of changed the perspective of the music.

634
00:30:40.719 --> 00:30:41.300
And I was like,

635
00:30:42.941 --> 00:30:43.901
in another life,

636
00:30:43.961 --> 00:30:46.243
I could get down with this and just keep doing this,

637
00:30:47.083 --> 00:30:47.363
you know.

638
00:30:48.404 --> 00:30:50.305
But we were too far down at that point.

639
00:30:50.745 --> 00:30:51.665
It was just interesting,

640
00:30:51.726 --> 00:30:51.886
right,

641
00:30:51.886 --> 00:30:52.346
to hear.

642
00:30:52.730 --> 00:30:55.331
those songs with a new restructuring,

643
00:30:55.411 --> 00:30:55.551
right?

644
00:30:55.551 --> 00:30:55.771
You know,

645
00:30:55.871 --> 00:30:57.652
Dan started playing some different parts.

646
00:30:58.492 --> 00:30:58.712
Um,

647
00:30:58.813 --> 00:31:01.654
he had to play more guitar than keys to cover for it.

648
00:31:02.654 --> 00:31:02.894
Um,

649
00:31:03.975 --> 00:31:04.415
and so it,

650
00:31:04.495 --> 00:31:04.615
it,

651
00:31:05.375 --> 00:31:05.675
you know,

652
00:31:06.736 --> 00:31:08.917
even though it was essentially a death rattle,

653
00:31:09.077 --> 00:31:10.597
like at the time when we were,

654
00:31:11.098 --> 00:31:13.118
when we were playing those last few shows,

655
00:31:13.518 --> 00:31:16.020
I think we were all kind of coming away being like,

656
00:31:16.040 --> 00:31:17.540
this is kind of interesting,

657
00:31:17.780 --> 00:31:18.581
like hearing it,

658
00:31:19.581 --> 00:31:19.701
uh,

659
00:31:19.681 --> 00:31:20.521
in this new way.

660
00:31:20.982 --> 00:31:21.942
Less than a week later.

661
00:31:22.418 --> 00:31:22.738
John,

662
00:31:22.838 --> 00:31:23.138
Dan,

663
00:31:23.198 --> 00:31:23.438
Mac,

664
00:31:23.458 --> 00:31:24.479
and Pete were back home.

665
00:31:24.799 --> 00:31:28.200
Mac sent me a text message and he said,

666
00:31:28.460 --> 00:31:29.640
your amp's at the coffee shop.

667
00:31:29.700 --> 00:31:30.140
Come get it.

668
00:31:31.500 --> 00:31:32.041
And I just said,

669
00:31:32.081 --> 00:31:32.341
okay.

670
00:31:33.141 --> 00:31:45.644
I heard through the grapevine that there was going to be a farewell show at the coffee shop where we had had so much of the band had happened at that place.

671
00:31:46.144 --> 00:31:47.325
I remember it was just like,

672
00:31:48.205 --> 00:31:49.285
are we going to call Ryan?

673
00:31:49.725 --> 00:31:51.866
Are we just going to play it like it's another show?

674
00:31:52.286 --> 00:32:12.092
that we just finished i was so offended you couldn't have convinced me to have him play they had the show um i wasn't there i was bartending we played a local show without him that's how that's how we do you dirty but i hadn't talked to anybody uh

675
00:32:12.172 --> 00:32:20.894
they didn't say hey come play the show but i also didn't say hey can i come play the show we were a four piece instead of a five piece and i remember that was sort of like

676
00:32:21.590 --> 00:32:21.830
Oh,

677
00:32:21.970 --> 00:32:22.351
you know,

678
00:32:23.011 --> 00:32:24.332
in the hometown.

679
00:32:24.612 --> 00:32:24.872
I mean,

680
00:32:24.952 --> 00:32:25.713
I don't blame them.

681
00:32:26.493 --> 00:32:29.095
It was such a huge part of our lives.

682
00:32:29.315 --> 00:32:31.117
We had done this for so long and,

683
00:32:31.617 --> 00:32:31.857
you know,

684
00:32:31.957 --> 00:32:34.699
I just fucking chucked it aside.

685
00:32:35.099 --> 00:32:36.100
These are my brothers.

686
00:32:36.640 --> 00:32:39.502
And we had been through so much over these years.

687
00:32:39.582 --> 00:32:41.484
Like every single day

688
00:32:42.004 --> 00:32:49.109
I saw these guys for years and we had built this thing and gone through with it as far as we had.

689
00:32:49.629 --> 00:32:51.090
And I didn't see it out.

690
00:32:51.190 --> 00:32:53.671
Like the fucking very end of it.

691
00:32:53.811 --> 00:32:55.291
And I just shit it out.

692
00:32:55.311 --> 00:32:55.771
And I just,

693
00:32:56.912 --> 00:32:58.112
I just walked away from it.

694
00:32:58.292 --> 00:32:59.632
With how it all went down.

695
00:32:59.693 --> 00:33:00.533
I wouldn't expect

696
00:33:01.293 --> 00:33:06.454
Ryan to expect to be asked to come to it.

697
00:33:06.575 --> 00:33:06.895
You know,

698
00:33:07.195 --> 00:33:09.595
two weeks after it was like a fresh wound still.

699
00:33:10.096 --> 00:33:12.576
Ryan will always talk about it whenever we catch up.

700
00:33:12.656 --> 00:33:13.236
And he's like,

701
00:33:13.417 --> 00:33:13.637
oh,

702
00:33:14.197 --> 00:33:16.097
it's one of my biggest regrets.

703
00:33:16.457 --> 00:33:16.818
You know,

704
00:33:16.918 --> 00:33:18.438
this says it that flat out.

705
00:33:18.718 --> 00:33:19.798
Knowing what I know now,

706
00:33:19.978 --> 00:33:22.879
leaving the band would be like one of the biggest mistakes

707
00:33:23.559 --> 00:33:25.180
I have for my own self.

708
00:33:25.560 --> 00:33:27.020
And one of the biggest mistakes I ever made,

709
00:33:27.060 --> 00:33:30.501
probably second only to starting smoking cigarettes as a young person,

710
00:33:31.782 --> 00:33:33.062
which was fucking bad.

711
00:33:33.122 --> 00:33:34.102
But like this just

712
00:33:34.462 --> 00:33:38.344
I can't think of anything else that I regret as much as I do leaving.

713
00:33:38.664 --> 00:33:39.364
At the moment,

714
00:33:39.684 --> 00:33:40.884
I felt like I'm doing this.

715
00:33:41.264 --> 00:33:42.085
This is the right thing to do.

716
00:33:42.185 --> 00:33:42.525
But man,

717
00:33:42.565 --> 00:33:43.205
I regret it.

718
00:33:43.445 --> 00:33:45.125
And I regretted it right away.

719
00:33:46.026 --> 00:33:46.826
I left the band.

720
00:33:47.886 --> 00:33:48.306
And it's like,

721
00:33:48.386 --> 00:33:48.646
fuck,

722
00:33:49.506 --> 00:33:51.527
if I could have just fucking stuck it out,

723
00:33:51.607 --> 00:33:54.388
I would have finished with my brothers.

724
00:33:55.288 --> 00:33:55.668
For him,

725
00:33:55.788 --> 00:33:56.588
it's more like

726
00:33:57.589 --> 00:33:58.189
I could see it.

727
00:33:58.209 --> 00:33:59.529
It's like there's this really big,

728
00:33:59.589 --> 00:34:01.230
beautiful picture of this experience.

729
00:34:01.230 --> 00:34:01.850
And at the end,

730
00:34:01.870 --> 00:34:02.850
there's this little like,

731
00:34:04.090 --> 00:34:04.270
yeah,

732
00:34:04.351 --> 00:34:06.231
maybe I would have wanted to do that different.

733
00:34:06.291 --> 00:34:08.272
But he didn't burn any bridges.

734
00:34:08.272 --> 00:34:08.792
He didn't,

735
00:34:09.572 --> 00:34:09.892
you know,

736
00:34:10.712 --> 00:34:13.433
it's not anything seriously fucked up.

737
00:34:14.133 --> 00:34:15.914
If you go right back to the beginning of the story,

738
00:34:16.634 --> 00:34:16.754
he.

739
00:34:17.410 --> 00:34:18.091
And Pete,

740
00:34:18.511 --> 00:34:20.572
we were the ones riding our bikes on the road together.

741
00:34:20.653 --> 00:34:20.773
So,

742
00:34:21.033 --> 00:34:21.293
you know,

743
00:34:21.373 --> 00:34:21.553
we're,

744
00:34:21.893 --> 00:34:22.854
we go way back.

745
00:34:23.114 --> 00:34:25.056
But luckily for me,

746
00:34:26.617 --> 00:34:27.598
they are my brothers.

747
00:34:27.798 --> 00:34:28.959
And little by little,

748
00:34:30.400 --> 00:34:31.921
we were all friends again.

749
00:34:32.902 --> 00:34:34.863
And then even more lucky for me,

750
00:34:35.404 --> 00:34:36.284
two years later,

751
00:34:37.005 --> 00:34:38.226
we had a reunion show.

752
00:34:39.527 --> 00:34:41.008
And it was at the coffee shop.

753
00:34:41.608 --> 00:34:42.529
And it was all of us.

754
00:34:44.981 --> 00:34:45.401
Well,

755
00:34:46.222 --> 00:34:47.263
we're waiting,

756
00:34:47.903 --> 00:34:48.784
said the audience.

757
00:34:49.384 --> 00:34:50.365
Did they make it,

758
00:34:50.805 --> 00:34:51.466
or what?

759
00:34:53.087 --> 00:34:53.327
Well,

760
00:34:54.408 --> 00:34:54.528
no,

761
00:34:54.748 --> 00:34:54.968
I mean,

762
00:34:55.368 --> 00:35:02.093
they didn't achieve those massive album sales and those sold-out shows that they were dreaming of,

763
00:35:02.193 --> 00:35:02.353
but,

764
00:35:02.994 --> 00:35:03.214
I mean,

765
00:35:03.214 --> 00:35:04.054
it's all relative,

766
00:35:04.054 --> 00:35:04.274
you know,

767
00:35:04.294 --> 00:35:05.295
just like space-time,

768
00:35:05.335 --> 00:35:06.776
just like an event horizon.

769
00:35:06.896 --> 00:35:10.599
So the band made it through the event horizon,

770
00:35:10.679 --> 00:35:11.740
through that fame gap.

771
00:35:11.760 --> 00:35:12.020
You know,

772
00:35:12.320 --> 00:35:13.681
they never got stuck on tour.

773
00:35:14.393 --> 00:35:15.294
And it didn't really matter.

774
00:35:15.674 --> 00:35:15.914
You know,

775
00:35:15.934 --> 00:35:22.460
they all made it through and they all made it across all of that shit straight back to reality with all their parts intact.

776
00:35:23.701 --> 00:35:23.902
Alright,

777
00:35:24.042 --> 00:35:25.023
let's wrap this shit up.

778
00:35:26.043 --> 00:35:30.768
The dramatic end of the band's time riding the fame gap of touring in a van was...

779
00:35:31.849 --> 00:35:32.629
It was dramatic.

780
00:35:34.331 --> 00:35:35.372
And it was unexpected.

781
00:35:36.533 --> 00:35:37.534
And when it first happened,

782
00:35:37.554 --> 00:35:40.496
I honestly didn't see it forming the way it did.

783
00:35:41.709 --> 00:35:44.010
But the universe is like that,

784
00:35:44.050 --> 00:35:44.270
ain't it?

785
00:35:44.270 --> 00:35:49.772
It just sneaks up on you and just whacks you right in the sack.

786
00:35:50.973 --> 00:35:51.993
Milk or testicle.

787
00:35:52.954 --> 00:35:58.776
The universe has also been known to sneak up on you and just kiss you right on the damn lips.

788
00:35:59.977 --> 00:36:01.658
Years after the end of the band story,

789
00:36:02.538 --> 00:36:09.001
everyone involved have written their own pretty kick-ass stories of their own.

790
00:36:09.989 --> 00:36:11.590
Pete is a farmer.

791
00:36:13.011 --> 00:36:14.131
Like a real farmer.

792
00:36:15.752 --> 00:36:18.674
Complete with livestock and a sheep dog.

793
00:36:19.134 --> 00:36:20.915
It's not even his family dog.

794
00:36:21.996 --> 00:36:22.797
He needs a car.

795
00:36:22.917 --> 00:36:25.758
Like a van that can seat five.

796
00:36:26.239 --> 00:36:27.900
A house that can handle three girls.

797
00:36:28.940 --> 00:36:30.201
Good luck with all that.

798
00:36:32.983 --> 00:36:34.083
Mac designed a bench.

799
00:36:35.404 --> 00:36:35.644
I mean,

800
00:36:35.684 --> 00:36:36.285
holy shit.

801
00:36:37.253 --> 00:36:39.615
He went to the Rhode Island School of Design and everything.

802
00:36:40.375 --> 00:36:43.037
Fucking dude's building the skyscraper in Times Square now.

803
00:36:44.038 --> 00:36:47.160
He's gone from benches to buildings.

804
00:36:47.820 --> 00:36:49.001
He's got Turkish in-laws.

805
00:36:49.041 --> 00:36:49.301
I mean,

806
00:36:49.381 --> 00:36:50.162
come on.

807
00:36:51.843 --> 00:36:53.684
Dan never stopped learning.

808
00:36:54.365 --> 00:36:55.065
He's like Neo,

809
00:36:55.566 --> 00:36:58.828
downloading new shit into his brain on a yearly cycle.

810
00:36:59.728 --> 00:37:00.049
As of the

811
00:37:00.629 --> 00:37:02.570
2020s, he's coding software somewhere,

812
00:37:02.610 --> 00:37:04.932
which he actually taught himself how to do.

813
00:37:05.773 --> 00:37:06.113
Ryan?

814
00:37:06.629 --> 00:37:08.010
He never stopped playing music.

815
00:37:09.030 --> 00:37:09.390
Honestly,

816
00:37:09.470 --> 00:37:10.231
none of the guys did.

817
00:37:10.871 --> 00:37:14.292
But Ryan managed to find a way back on the road.

818
00:37:14.813 --> 00:37:15.293
This time,

819
00:37:15.793 --> 00:37:16.854
it was with a race team.

820
00:37:16.854 --> 00:37:18.474
It was one of their mechanics,

821
00:37:18.674 --> 00:37:20.715
which honestly is kind of badass.

822
00:37:21.536 --> 00:37:21.656
Oh,

823
00:37:22.336 --> 00:37:23.096
and he quit smoking.

824
00:37:25.277 --> 00:37:28.959
John shifted from being in a band to managing them.

825
00:37:29.999 --> 00:37:30.119
And

826
00:37:30.519 --> 00:37:32.680
I have no clue on which one is less stressful,

827
00:37:32.680 --> 00:37:33.261
to be honest.

828
00:37:34.637 --> 00:37:35.217
And as for me,

829
00:37:36.038 --> 00:37:37.019
your humble narrator,

830
00:37:37.939 --> 00:37:38.800
what have I been doing?

831
00:37:38.880 --> 00:37:39.080
Well,

832
00:37:40.001 --> 00:37:40.821
you're listening to it.

833
00:37:41.562 --> 00:37:48.467
I never stopped attempting to capture that ever-passing moment by filming it or photographing it or writing about it or whatever.

834
00:37:49.367 --> 00:37:50.628
Somewhere in the depths of my mind,

835
00:37:50.728 --> 00:37:53.330
I always knew that I was going to tell this story.

836
00:37:54.831 --> 00:37:56.832
And I'm really glad that I didn't quit on me.

837
00:37:59.245 --> 00:38:00.726
There is a perfectly flawed

838
00:38:01.906 --> 00:38:05.448
27-ish year cycle of the human collective consciousness.

839
00:38:06.908 --> 00:38:08.029
Trends begin to blur,

840
00:38:08.809 --> 00:38:10.170
old as new as old again.

841
00:38:11.190 --> 00:38:12.211
Stories repeat,

842
00:38:12.351 --> 00:38:12.831
reboot,

843
00:38:13.371 --> 00:38:15.392
restart over and over.

844
00:38:16.093 --> 00:38:17.913
The cadence of our creative pulse,

845
00:38:18.994 --> 00:38:20.735
the vibration of life if you will,

846
00:38:21.555 --> 00:38:23.016
7 beats per second by the way,

847
00:38:24.036 --> 00:38:24.937
it never goes away.

848
00:38:26.741 --> 00:38:31.164
We simply shift away from the pulse the more cycles we collect.

849
00:38:32.024 --> 00:38:35.987
We move away from our starting point in all directions at once,

850
00:38:37.267 --> 00:38:40.389
attempting to wrap our arms around the ever-passing moments.

851
00:38:41.630 --> 00:38:44.432
You might as well just try to scoop up a herd of cats.

852
00:38:56.597 --> 00:38:58.959
Even If It Kills Me is a Fang Workshop production.

853
00:38:59.639 --> 00:39:00.680
Written and narrated by me,

854
00:39:00.680 --> 00:39:01.501
Aaron Joy.

855
00:39:02.361 --> 00:39:04.123
Produced by John Lulow and Brendan Walter.

856
00:39:04.763 --> 00:39:06.664
Featuring original music by Alex Dozen.

857
00:39:07.145 --> 00:39:08.886
And original theme song by Matt Gifford.

858
00:39:27.072 --> 00:39:34.391
Please,